This week, The New York Times is bingeing on late-night comedy shows and curating the best stuff in case you missed it. You need sleep, after all, and something in the news to smile about. We don’t need anything because we’re getting paid to watch late night which is insane.
The Most Famous Baldwin Brother
“I got this suit from the Ivanka Trump Men’s Collection at Nordstrom’s. Big sale right now: 95 percent off of everything.” — ALEC BALDWIN on “The Tonight Show” on Thursday.
Mr. Baldwin, who is hosting “Saturday Night Live” this weekend, was otherwise light on Trump jokes in his banter with Jimmy Fallon. The guys did brief, dueling Trump impersonations in a skit called “Box of Lies,” though Mr. Fallon sounded more like Marlon Brando.
Mr. Baldwin spent less time on Mr. Trump than on his new memoir, “Nevertheless,” and the origin of the title.
BALDWIN: It’s based on the Sir character from “The Dresser” — Donald Wolfit, the great English actor — and he comes out on stage. He’s doing Shakespeare in the hinterlands there, in the provinces during the war in England, and he comes out on stage, and there’s a smattering of applause. He’s this great star. He says, “Quiet!” He says, “Tonight the role of Desdemona shall not be played by Lady Emily Treadwell.” A murmur. He says, “Please, please, please. But instead it shall be assayed by my wife, Lady Margaret Pickering.”
And in the back of the theater some guy yells out, “Your wife is a [EXPLETIVE] bitch!”
And Sir says, “Nevertheless …”
The Times Late-Night Comedy Committee found this “Late Show” opener to be unabashedly cool and funny. It marked the 53rd anniversary of the Beatles playing on “The Ed Sullivan Show” in the theater that Stephen Colbert now calls home.
The Punchiest Punchlines (Judicial Edition)
“The decision was unanimous. But that’s not counting all the judges who voted illegally.” — JIMMY KIMMEL, referring to the federal appellate court that rejected President Trump’s travel ban
“Of course, being from reality TV, Trump doesn’t consider someone a real judge unless they’re sitting next to Howie Mandel.” — COLBERT
“Senator Blumenthal never went to Vietnam but he led people to believe he did, whereas Donald Trump during the war, as you know, served four tours bravely fighting bone spurs in his foot at the Wharton School of Finance. But Donald Trump — it’s so crazy what he gets involved in. Trump attacking Blumenthal for not serving in Vietnam is like Milli attacking Vanilli for lip-syncing.” — KIMMEL
“I love how, in less than three weeks, we’ve gone from ‘the presidency and Trump businesses are totally separate,’ to, ‘Come on down to the White House and buy-buy-buy! Buy Trump or get dumped! All-out dignity must go!’” — TREVOR NOAH
“You can trust Kellyanne Conway’s fashion advice. Most high school marching bands already do.” — COLBERT
Now, Time for the Weather
“For anyone at home watching from the sunny South, the Northeast got slammed with snow today. Here in New York City, we got 10 inches. And for once, it wasn’t a text from Anthony Weiner.” — COLBERT
“Today, the East Coast was hit with a major snowstorm, and it forced New York City public schools to close. When she heard that, the new education secretary Betsy DeVos was like, ‘Hey, my plan’s working already.’” — FALLON
“Winter Storm Niko means this is a terrible time for New York Fashion Week. Fashion Week started today. Half the models got blown into the Hudson River.” — KIMMEL
Leave It to Chance
“Chance, you’re big enough now. You’re popular enough. Just go by Chance. We all know you’re ‘The Rapper.’ Nobody’s getting you confused with ‘Chance the Jazz Flutist.’” — ROY WOOD JR., of “The Daily Show,” sending a message to Chance the Rapper
Dept. of Dubious Assertions
“CNN anchor Chris Cuomo said today that using the term ‘fake news’ towards journalists is equivalent to saying racial slurs like the N-word. What!? Fake news, please.” — SETH MEYERS
The Bits Worth Watching
That’s All the Time We Have
Enjoy your weekend, everybody. The Times Late-Night Comedy Committee thanks you for not throwing tomatoes at us in your feedback email. Seriously, we’re grateful for the comments — keep them coming!